May has graced us with its awakening. My body shifts and I become unsettled. This force cannot be controlled. I allow it to move through me until the next time it comes to pass. “It is what it is,” or so they say.
This has been the way now for the past four years. May 2011 was a time when many plans were made. Palliative care needed to be put into place for what was left of my father’s life. A home visit with a public health coordinator became necessary. The appropiate paperwork needed to filed. My dad wanted to be at home for his final days rather than the hosptial. Who could blame him really. A new bed would be needed, along with regular home visits by a nurse. Planning for the very end was now upon us.
Dear Dr Dyer (May 2011)
I am sitting outside on the most beautiful of days. The sun restores my broken soul but only a little. I am sitting in my parents driveway with my youngest son and his cousin. They play, and argue and play and then argue some more. But their back and forth childish behaviour saves me. It saves me from constantly thinking about the strange red car just four feet in front of me. It’s Betty’s car. Betty is helping my mom and dad inside the house. She is helping them decide what arrangments need to be put into place for my father’s end of life plan.
Normally I love the colour red. But today its hue is too much to bear. There is a part of me that just wants to kick the red right out of it. I know that makes no sense but it’s how I feel. I soon forget about kicking the car. I have to kiss a boo boo instead and reassure my nephew that everything will be ok. I guess it will have to be ok at some point. But will it ever?
Your words offer me solace most days but today I am not feeling it. Today I just want to scream until I have no voice left. I want the hurt to stop but it won’t.
Betty has been inside a long time. The kids are getting impatient with me. Thankfully my lovely new friend Kara just pulled up in her driveway. I can see her van from my parents place. I already feel better knowing she is home and only a few feet away. God sent me an angel when he brought this lovely lady into my life. Her two little girls play so well with the boys. Her oldest Sam took my oldest son under his wing just as quickly as his mom did me. Without them we would all be empty shells. So I must hold on to that. To the fact that we were all given instant friends upon arriving here. I have to hold on to something right.
In just a week or so now, I will be driving into Toronto with my cousin Trudy. She is no doubt another blessing. I don’t get to see her as much as we would both like. Her birthday present to me this year was you! She bought two passes for her and I to attend your I Can Do It conference. I am going to sit in the same room as you. I am going to hear your voice in the most authentic of ways. And let me tell you Dr. Dyer, I need your light now more than ever.
I will continue to remind myself of my many blessings, through the boys laughter, through my angel Kara, through my cousin Trudy and of course through you. I no longer want to kick the red out of Betty’s car. Instead, I will call Betty a blessing as well. She is helping too, in her own special way.
“Everything you are against weakens you. Everything you are for empowers you.” Dr. Wayne Dyer