Why I knew I would not be completely taken in, but the sex was good. 

Ok, we all know that everybody and their dog has something to say about the whole 50 Shades phenomenon.  I too have come to play despite my better judgement.  I have been tasked with putting my critical writing to the test and thought why the hell not jump onboard the sex train and write a book/movie review.

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The book, written by E.L James, flew off the shelves a few years ago causing the rate of UTI’s all across the country to reach an all time record high.  Women around the world were hiding beneath the covers of 50 Shades and their soft, fluffy quilts.  Myself included, except for the UTI that is.  I only needed to get one of those in my life to ensure that I would remember to pee before and after sex.  Yes, I went there.  For my regular readers, this will not be my usual blog.  I am letting you know now that I will for sure be throwing out words like erect, bush and spanking as I proceed.

Spanking an erect bush

Spanking an erect bush

I did not fall for this erotic fiction at first.  Trust me when I say I have read and even written my share of erotica.  I do not need a book to help make my magic Mike work for me.  But when I did read erotica, it was Ann Rice who showed me the dark side, and I liked it.  Honestly, Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Quartet is a better bang for my buck and I would recommend her erotica before E.L. James 50 Shades Trilogy.  No disrespect to Ms. James, she has made a great name for herself and is responsible for increasing the population world wide.

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50 Shades of Babies

After a trusted friend recommended that I read 50 Shades for the entertainment value alone, I decided to give it a try.  It was a rough go for me.  I wanted to stop reading after a few pages but my friend said to wait until about page 70 before giving up.  I got to page 70 and I still wanted out.  But at the same time I was curious as to what all the fuss was about so I kept going.

Anastasia Steele is the leading lady of James’ story and Christian Grey is the man who opens her up to world of the submissive and the dominant.  If you want to know what these terms mean than I will leave that to you to discover.   I apologize if horrible images of Jian Ghomeshi pop up in your search terms.

Not your average submissive

Not your average submissive

The red sex rooms of the world do not frighten me.  Not that I have one of my own or anything. Don’t believe all those things you read about me, only some of them are true.  But I digress.  The books eventually kept me intrigued not because my sex life needed a boost but because the complexity of Christian Grey’s character kept me wanting to know more about how he got to be so damn kinky.  Mr. Grey taught me a few things along the way as well.  Sex education is important ladies.  But, but, butt plugs (sorry), James’ writing style was not my cup of tea or cup of hot wax for that matter.   Eventually I did get suckered in enough to have to finish what I had reluctantly started.  It’s just polite to finish you know.

All done.

All done.

I wasn’t going to go see the film in the theatre because sitting in a room with that much estrogen might bring on your monthly but I had everything removed a while ago so I knew I was safe.   I did however intend to watch it at some point, on my own, some lonely night when it was just me and my soft, fluffy quilt.  But I needed to push myself out of my winter blahs and thought I would go for it.  So I texted a friend or two and eventually found a willing accomplice who I knew would enjoy the experience even if I didn’t think I would.  It was nice to have a gal pal tag along to share in the embarrassment of watching some really hot sex take place in front of me, on a really, really, big screen.  I will admit to feeling a little tingly down “there” from time to time.  But wished that I had not been surrounded by so many others while it was happening.

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Most of the theatre patrons were laughing nervously about the content while the other half were whispering something to their seat mate.  Not my idea of how I like to see a film but that is what I expected it to be going in, so I didn’t let it bother me.  I am sure the people around me were poking fun at the fact that I was sitting there taking notes with my erect pen.  I am just glad I had something to do to keep my fingers busy during those steamy coitus scenes.

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In my bloggers opinion the screen play was written far better than the first book was.  But unfortunately the only other good thing about this flick was Dakota Johnson.  If I could give her a major acting award I would.  She was amazing.  Not only was she stunning to look at, but she was the only one who acted in the entire film.  I believed every line she spoke.  What made her performance even more worthy was the fact that her co star was a wet noodle by the name of Jamie Dornan.  He had one tone, one look and quite frankly was one-dimensional.  I know the world wanted Charlie Hunnum to play Christian and I do believe he would have been a far better choice.  But I think Charlie was smart enough to know that a movie like this one would be a risky venture.  I think Charlie made the right decision.

And throw away the keys

And throw away the keys

And as much as I love Mr. Hunnam, and trust me I DO, he wasn’t who I had cast in my mind as Christian.  Mr. Grey had a dark past, laced with years of emotional and physical abuse.  None of that came across in Dornan’s portrayal of Grey.  When I read 50 Shades my Christian Grey was played by River Phoenix. Gone before his time.  River was an actor who could take his characters to dark places.

Those eyes

Those eyes

As I stated above, it was the Christian character that I was most interested in while reading the book but Anastasia Steele was the one who stole the movie for me.  I loved watching her, all of her and commend her for being brave enough to take on a role that most deemed laughable.  The lip bitting might have been a little over done but maybe she did that a lot to stop herself from telling Jamie Dornan that he was doing such a lousy job.  The only part of Christian Grey that actually made it from the book over into the film were his baggy, ripped jeans.  They hung in all the right places.  It’s pretty bad when a pair of jeans can out act the actor wearing them, but they did.  I rolled my eyes at Dornan’s performance a lot and thought that it should be me spanking him and not in the cat and nine tails kinda way.

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The lovely Anastasia

When Jamie Dornan wasn’t talking and pretending to act he was not half bad.  The sex scenes were very well done.  And there were quite a few.  I enjoyed those moments of heated passion and will most likely enjoy them again some dark and lonely night when I am feeling a little naughty.  But I will fast forward through most of the movie next time, like I did with the book when I skipped pages to get to the good stuff.

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My final thoughts on the matter is quite simply this.  When the books came out it got people reading.  A lot of people in fact, over 70 million copies sold.  But I think this film will be enjoyed more by the men that are being dragged along with their partners.  Dakota Johnson shows a lot of her bush and plays her part convincingly.  Yes, there are more than 50 shades of jokes being made about the book and the movie but what does that really matter.  If people are reading and making sweet love, along with having a laugh than what could be a better threesome.  Life is too short not to have a good time.

A Sweet Threesome for your Valentine

A Sweet Threesome for your Valentine

I will also mention one more VERY important aspect that both the book and the film captured and that’s the importance of consent when entering into a sexual relationship.  And I think that is something that a lot of people out there still really need to learn.  So if nothing else there is a life lesson in both versions that cannot be stressed enough these days.  Sad, but true.

Screen Shot 2015-02-14 at 7.24.24 PMI won’t leave things on such a serious note being that this blog was written very tongue in cheek as opposed to … never mind.  Anyway, I saw this clip today of a comedian from back home doing a bit on Fifty Shades of Bay and it tore me up.  Loved it and had to share.  Check out Mr. Steve Combs, he is no Christian Grey but I am sure his missus wouldn’t throw him out of bed for eating crackers.

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Until next time, read, screw, laugh and all will be well.

Happy V-day.  And my V stands for…

R.H. Downs